Forgiveness

What does forgiveness look like? What does it look like when the betrayal and pain are so deep and powerful? What does it look like when the betrayer is your own brother? Does forgiveness look the same for every incident? Obviously, some things are easier to forgive than others. What do we do when we just can't seem to forgive someone? I believe forgiveness is very possible, and very necessary for our own growth and maturity. In my previous blog, I mention how Steven R. Tracy, in his book Mending the Soul, argues that "One cannot... begin the real process of forgiving an abuser without painstakingly clarifying the nature and emotional results of the abuse." I guess it's a logical conclusion that an offense must be recalled before forgiveness is even necessary. But is forgiveness possible if every detail isn't remembered? Are there outsides influences that keep us from being able to forgive? Dr. Richard B. Gartner in his book Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse says: What about forgiveness? Can and should you forgive your betrayer? What does it really mean to forgive? Webster's Third International Dictionary says that to forgive means "to stop feeling resentment for a wrong that was committed." It means giving up claim to retribution against an offender. It means "to absolve, to pardon." That's a very, very tall order. Why do it anyway? Why grant your betrayer such bounty? Because forgiveness is not for him. It's for you! What does forgiveness not mean? It doesn't mean the betrayal never happened. It's not a "delete" button for the past. It's not a "Get out of jail free" card for your betrayer. And it certainly doesn't say that what he or she did was fine. No, forgiveness is something else. It's a decision on your part to no longer wish your betrayer harm. You probably weren't going to hurt her, anyway. So who benefits if you stop wanting to wound your betrayer? You do! Forgiveness means releasing the anger that's kept you wrapped up in knots all these years. Forgiveness benefits you. It really has nothing to do with your betrayer. He goes on later to say that when you do forgive, "You know that what happened was wrong, but you can control how it affects you." I'm glad he mentioned that forgiveness is a decision; a choice. He says, "you can control..." Too many times people act as though it's somehow impossible to forgive their betrayer. Like love, forgiveness is so much more than some feeling or emotion. It's a conscious decision to act a certain way towards someone. It's a verb, not a noun. There are many people on this planet that may be hard to love or forgive, but what kind of people are we if we don't choose to love and forgive them anyway? I'm also glad that he tells us that forgiveness is for us, not for our betrayer. Revenge can seem so easy at times, but is it really a benefit to us? What kind of punishment would be fitting for sexual abuse anyway; and like Dr. Gartner asks, who benefits? Forgiveness is for our own peace of mind. How much more poignant is this fact when the one we're forgiving is so closely tied to us? For me, peace in my family is so much more important for me than giving my brother "what he deserves". I'm extremely fortunate too, because my brother acknowledged what he did was wrong, and he knows that my forgiveness would never assume that what happened was okay in some way. But regardless of how my brother responded, I know that my forgiving him had much more of a benefit for me than it ever did for him. I want to move forward, and I want my brother to move forward too. I want us all to grow and choose to love and forgive, even when it may seem impossible. I want true peace and true joy; and I know that these are not possible without forgiveness. So, what does forgiveness look like? It looks like whatever decision you make to not harm your betrayer. It looks like whatever choice you make to move forward in a safe and healthy way. It looks like peace, and a willingness to let go of the bitterness that eats at you. It looks like healing and growing.